Ever have a nasty elf problem (Bleh!)? Perhaps even Dwarves or even… Hobbits. (Double Bleh). Ever wanted to command a small (Or large) Militia by your own hand? Fond of Orcs? Do you have a strange but dehabilitiating attachment to anything even remotely shiney or golden? Weak of mind? Well, I have the remedy to your woes right here, and all in the form of a small, Golden Ring!
This magical ring comes with very little downsides- Mainly donning its wearer to go invisible at will! How marvelous indeed! Alongside this ability comes an indescribable feeling of power and a desire for blood and conquest, all free of charge! In fact, we here at Mordor Express are willing to sell this very ring here for FREE, you heard me FREE! For the next SIX HUNDRED years this deal shall apply!*** (See Fine Print Below) We here at the Mordor Express can absolutely GUARENTEE that you won’t find a more durable and lasting ring. So durable, in fact, it may even rub off you on you! Don’t fret about losing the ring, as you might eventually be inclined to be, as the ring will always find its way back to you! On top of all this, with the power of this very ring, you may even assert your power and dominance over all others- All of which would clearly be jealous of your ring anyways. To ensure nobody else gets their disgusting, oily mitts on this ring either, the Ring will honorably prolong your life span so long as you are in possession of it. Like butter slowly being spread over bread- You’ll outlast all your enemies and rivals and bask in their demise.
ORDER THIS PRECIOUS RING BEFORE ITS TOO LATE! WHILE SUPPLY (Singular) LASTS!
***Mordor Express does not hold any liability for what may happen 600 years from now. By purchasing the One Ring, you are agreeing to potential forceful reaquistation of said One Ring. Potential Transgressions might lead to Death, Disbowlment, Dismemberment, your very Soul being ripped out of your body, imprisonment, Torture, War Crimes, and general discomfort.***